does it ever get better?

Well...a couple of weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. The number started low, but they kept going up and doubling normally, so the doctors were very optimistic. I did the ultrasound yesterday and found out it was ectopic. Today I had to come back to the doctor to get a shot done, which basically is a cancer drug and will kill the pregnancy. Why me? Meanwhile, my brother-in-law & sister-in-law who are younger than me and got married after, had a baby boy, and we went to the bris last week. And we had to be kvatter. I really didn't want to - since I'm against it, but they asked my husband at the last minute, and he didn't know how to say no. Meanwhile I have the pidyan haben to go to in a couple of weeks, and I don't know if I can bear to go. Obviously I will, but it's really hard. Why couldn't the pregnancy have just worked this time. Is that too much to ask for?

Insurance

I'm going to post something that I commented on someone else's blog regarding insurance companies...

Insurance plans really suck. I have no prescription plan, and pay over $200 for every drug each month and at least a $52 copay at every appointment with about at least 2 appointments a week. And this insurance plan won't cover IVF at all. I'll therefore have to agree with how bad insurance plans are.

I actually had a new insurance plan option offered this year which was really really cheap a month and I'd save so much money - and it had a prescription plan, as well as a dental plan (which my current insurance also doesn't have), but my doctor wasn't on the plan, and even if he was, it only covered 15 appointments with the same doctor for one year - and I go way more than 15 times! I feel as if I must be dying to be going to the doctor that many times, but 15 is so little compared to how many times I see my doctor!

Facebook

The problem with facebook is that everyone's profile picture has a baby in it. Why is that even everyone's who's been married after me has babies? It's kind of like a class reunion - where everyone who's married of course has kids. Very few of us married facebook couples do not have any kids. Although there are a lot of singles groups on facebook, yet you can't create a group, "For all the frum couples without kids on facebook". And therefore there's no network, and once again I'm all alone. Maybe I should create a group called "Biggest Pathetic Lonely Loser", then at least I'll have one member...me.

am i the only one left?

Do you ever feel like people don't have anything else to talk about besides their pregnant bellies? Last night I met a friend at another friend's, and I hadn't seen her in a while, and turns out she's pregnant. The entire conversation was about her doctor and being pregnant and when she's due. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. She got married after I did, yet people aren't considerate, and although they don't mean to be rude, they are, and it's not right. So there I am being blah and just standing there and smiling and nodding and feeling miserable.

Being Blah

I've been trying for almost 3 years to have a child with no luck. I've decided to create a blog to let out some of my frustrations that I have been going through. I have very few outlets where I can express my feelings and therefore have decided to share it here.

I didn't get married when all my friends did during college. It took me a little longer to find someone I liked. I did, and felt like now my life was about to begin. I was wrong.

Although, I decided not to wait before trying to have kids, it appears God had other plans for me. I was not able to get pregnant. I went to doctors and was told I have PCOS. I was given Glucaphage, Clomid, injections, and went through a lot, and all with no success.

For the first time in 3 years, I finally got pregnant. Last month I found out it was positive. I was shocked, ecstatic. Only to find out 3 days later that I was going to lose it, it was a chemical pregnancy. I found out right before Yom Kippur. Who could daven after that - I certainly couldn't.

So I'm back to square 1. On the bright side I get to hear everyone's rude comments around me, such as "We'd hang out with you but you have no kids for our kids to play with", or "This party is only for mothers and their kids". And this past yom tov I was asked a couple of times about the number of kids I have.

With a sister who has lots of kids, and a younger sister-in-law with one on the way, and all my friends with a few kids, it makes me wonder why I was left out. After Yom Kippur I stopped davening. After 3 years of praying you start to realize that your prayers weren't answered. I know mine weren't.